When I was about to finish my Primary 6 at Awka, Anambra state (Nigeria of course), my parents came home one evening and announced to me they wanted me to attend Seminary school and have already picked entrance exam form for me. I was very overjoyed. I found it very excited that I would be attending that special school to become a Priest. Well, the entrance exam took place at Amawbia town, same state. Result came out and i passed. 2 weeks later,
i think, i went for 3-day interview in the school and passed as well. Then, the journey began in the Seminary Institution.
About 4 years in that world/institution, my enthusiasm about that vocation started dropping. It got to a point that the only thing I could think of was stepping away from that goal, which probably was not mine. I started talking about it, but the day I told my parents about it, they were like, "What a joke!". I was trapped, like a bondage. In fact, it was a bondage. I stated hating everything about the institution, I became unhappy, until one day I decided to take it up with the Seminary management, the Rector actually, for them to allow me to leave, since the permission to follow my bliss didn't come from my parents that put me there. In fact, my parents reaction to my request was even better. The Rector was like, "Are you possessed?" Of course, he sent me out of his office. And he was really staring at me as i was leaving the office, as if truly something was wrong with me spiritually.
One thing none of those "authorities" that I needed their permission to "follow my bliss" realised was, what I was going through to follow the bliss/goal they wanted me to. It was like being a slave. That is, being in something, place or doing something you with every bit of yourself, body and soul, didn't want to, but there was nothing you could do about it to free yourself. That was what it felt like, every hour, days, weeks, months, I remained there. Guessed what it turned me into? An "Outlaw or intentional constant rules breaker", however you want to put it. While others would be going to Chapel for prayers, I would be looking for a Mango tree to do mine there. When others were going in for Siesta, I was busy sneaking out of the compound, just for the fun of breaking the rules, but most importantly, to feel happy, even if for few minutes. In fact, it got to a point, I started doing what I was doing to be caught, so that the management would have no other choice than to expel me. And eventually, I was caught doing one of the offenses that would result to expulsion. I felt so good throughout that day, because I would be free the next day, I thought.
The next day, the Rector sent for me in his office. I had already packed my things the previous night anyway. I was expecting a "Bye-bye" letter when I entered his office. Instead, he handed a sealed letter to me addressed to someone else. He said he had realised something could be spiritually wrong with me. For that, I should visit a prayer warrior house at Awolowo street, Enugu, owned by a Rev. Father, who the letter was meant for. Well, it was success after all, at least, to get out of there, even if for few days. At the Awolowo street, after delivering the envelope (whatever was written inside it, who cared anyway), he invited me the next day for deliverance. Lol! This time, I was the one to say, "What a joke!". I went there of course, an Aunty of mine accompanied me too. Getting there, I saw others needed to be delivered too already preparing for the event. Well, it eventually started. The first 3 or 4 persons they approached and did all those stuffs, were really behaving as if something was wrong with them actually, with the way they were falling and rolling on the ground. It got to to my turn. They started. I was standing, staring at them. They asked me to close my eyes, I did, they continued with their chanting and all that. I was still standing, wondering why nothing was happening. They did everything they could, but I was feeling so relax, wondering who needed those chanting actually. Me or them? Well, they left me and continued with others on the queue. When it all stopped, the Oga (Fr.) was not there actually, but they reported to him. He said to me, "nothing is wrong with you". He asked me to come tomorrow and pick a letter to deliver to my Rector that sent me to him. I did and got back to the Seminary School, handed the letter to him. He opened it before me, read and said he would get back to me. Days passed, weeks passed, he ignored me. I woke up one morning and gave my condition a thought, and it was " since no one cared about my own feelings or what I truly wanted or my own goals, I made a decision on how to break that wall, even if I would hurt or disappoint others for that". I planned and executed it the day I felt it was time.
That term came to a close. While other students were busy packing few things to go home with and resume in 2 months time, I was busy parking everything. While others were busy running out to catch a bus or taxi to go for the holiday, I was wandering around the hostel, waiting for the compound to be empty so that I could secretly move all my property out of the school compound to get a bugger vehicle that could carry all my luggage, without attracting suspicions. Universe already had gone into action, making my plan smoothly and effortlessly working out. A big truck all of a sudden appeared from inside the school compound. In fact, it was the big school bus/truck. I beckoned on the driver, he stopped. I begged him if I could follow him to town, he accepted, without hesitation. When I went in to bring all my luggage , I was thinking he would get suspicious and asked why going for holiday with everything. He didn't, in fact, he acted indifferent to what I was doing. It was like magic and I was out of the school compound before I could know it. About an hour later, he was in Awka. In fact, he dropped me with my loads right in my street. He didn't ask for any money or behaved like he was doing too much for me. The moment one says "Yes" to his bliss, goal, desires or decide to act or start acting on it, things will start working out immediately smoothly for it to become a reality. It works like magic. My father said he would no longer finance my education since I disobeyed him, of course I wasn't going back to that Seminary anyway. My mother was against my action. I went to a good School I had in mind, secured admission effortlessly, which still surprised me till this moment how that happened. When I showed my mother the admission letter, she was surprised too how I did it, especially securing admission in such school with no help from anyone, both financially and otherwise. She immediately started supporting me financially in my education. My father later changed his mind and helped out. My relationship with my father was not that great throughout my stay in the new School, but it later healed, when he realised how great I was becoming as time went on. I remember when I was in my 400 level in UNIZIK then, he travelled to my hometown from Awka with one of the cars at home and it broke down in front of someone's house in his village. He had to come back to Awka to with public transport to pick me. When we got there and started working on the car, a woman came out from a house near where the car broke down and parked and asked if I was the Ikenna. When I said yes, she said a lot of people came to suggest to my father that they had mechanics around they could call to come and fix the car. And the woman said my father's response to them was , "I would prefer my Son, Ikenna, to fix the car for me". According to her, he is very proud of me, even if he doesn't say it to me and that I should never forget that. Those moments she was taught me a lot, considering what happened in my life before that very day.
That's my story, what about yours? I didn't tell this personal experiences to show the world how perfect my life is now or how sad it was in the past, but to make a point. Are you so scared to decide, act or take a first step towards your goals because of what you think might happen if you do that? Do you chose to remain in bondage, die emotionally, so that the world around you keep loving you by saying no to your happiness or what you passionately love , want to do or become? Are you expecting God, Universe or whatever to take the first step for you before you own your goal(s)? What is it that is holding you back? Fear of losing acceptance from loved ones or world, or you prefer validation of everything you want to have or become from the people around you or the world?
Lets talk about Judging oneself and act of feeling unworthy
Yes, negative people are known to be always busy judging everyone they come in contact with, how bad that person is or simply enjoy gossip (judging). But the one that pulls one away from his or her goals farther away is judging yourself which would always lead to feeling of unworthiness. When you say or think you can't do something because you are not qualified on paper, you cant do this or that because of risk involved, they must be right about me not being good enough for this or that, when you think you are not being realistic by believing you can achieve something "unrealistic", etc. When you doubt you, you judge you and you believe you are unworthy for good things or don't deserve good abundant life. And what happens, those good things in live or goals of yours stays away from you or flow to one that felt worthy to have them, own them.
Sometimes people run away from their bliss because they don't want to be labelled"Weird Or Weirdo" by other people, especially when they start believing that bliss are weird in the eyes of not just the world, but theirs too. I believe we all know or heard of Bruce Lee. He was not only the Asian that was into Martial Arts in his time, but he changed the Movie Industry in North America, most especially Martial art movies. Even Americans had no hope but to integrate martial arts into their movies, because of Bruce Lee. Why? People said Bruce Lee was always having mean look and acting mean. They didn't like him. In fact, it was that fact that his father sent him off to America, hoping he would change his attitude. That his attitude and belief the world didn't like got him into movie industry and he became what he was then, to the point that when he left the world, the same world wanted to keep watching his new movies because they didn't want to believe he was no more. Hence, every other martial arts fellow that resembles Bruce Lee started acting Bruce Lee in subsequent American and Chinese movies, which was when Jackie Chan came into the screen, as one of those that acted Bruce Lee. Let me ask you, are you willing to own your "weirdness" to re-write your story for something magnificent? Steve Jobs acted weird and look at where he got Apples to. And many of them.
By "Owing your weirdness", I meant don't judge yourself or think and feel unworthy about what people or world would think or say about your weirdness. Your bliss is what people might see as weird, even though you love doing it because it makes you happy, they find it amusing or stupid sometimes how unreasonable it is. Funny, being or trying to be reasonable is what keeps people perpetually in comfort zone, so that they don't appear "unreasonable" or do unreasonable things that might look foolish or even stupid to others.
Was I afraid when I decided to leave the Seminary with my plan? Of course, very afraid. But did that stop me? My truth is, its ok to be afraid to dive out of comfort zone or do something contrary to what the world expect you to do or keep doing. It's natural, because that's what makes us humans. But fear of unknown, even the known, is the bridge between your current reality or experiences and your abundant wealth and long life happiness.
Ikenna, Lion King.
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